Family press release written in a first-person voice.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is John Paul Elcik V, but you can call me “J.P.” for short, or “John Paul” if I’m bad—something I’ve vowed won’t happen often. Just never suggest that I’m not really a fifth, but only a pint. It will be fist-city for anyone who plants that moniker on me—guaranteed.
I behaved myself very well and arrived on my expected due date—Mother’s Day, Sunday, May 11, 1986. May I add that less than five percent of all babies are so punctual as to arrive on their expected day, so I am rather proud of being a five-percenter. Mom and Dad are telling everyone that I am one in a million, but I prefer being more modest.
We arrived at the hospital at 11:00 a.m. on my special day, following an exciting game of Trivial Pursuit, Mommy and Daddy played with my grandparents. Dr. Baker told Mommy that she was no more in labor than he was. Boy, did I surprise him.
While Daddy was downstairs checking us out of the hospital, I gave a heck of a kick and popped the bag of water that was my home for nine months. This kid was serious about greeting the world, and besides, I couldn’t let Mom go home feeling silly for going to the hospital too early.
At 7:00 p.m., we were taken to the labor room, and at 7:53 p.m. I was born. I surprised everyone by being so fast at the end. In fact, Dr. Baker had to hurry to ensure he would be at the hospital in time to meet me. It was very exciting.
I tipped the scales at a healthy 7 pounds, 6 ounces, and I’m 20 inches long. My Mommy says my skin color and features are perfect. Dad is quick to point out that my head looks good too, since I was so anxious to be born at the end of labor. The other coneheads have a lot to learn about being kind to their parents—they are fragile, you know.
I was one of six boys and two girls born in Major Hospital on Mother’s Day weekend.
Oh, by the way, Mommy and Daddy are both holding up great, and I have lots in store for both of them. To give them a chance to rest, I have conspired with Dr. Esarey—he’s my very own doctor—to keep me in the hospital for a couple of extra days. Our pretext is that my color is a little yellow. The truth is that I like being under the “grow” lights. I’m going to have the best tan you’ve ever seen on a newborn.
The bottom line is that I’m looking forward to meeting everyone face-to-face as soon as possible.
P.S. The paper in this letter is not really paper. It is made from candy. Enjoy!
Born: May 11, 1986
Place: Shelbyville, Shelby County, Indiana